Dog food?

We love our dog and try to keep him as healthy as possible. Houston’s current brand of dog food brags about containing the ingredients wheat flour, rice, and something called “chicken protein.” (as opposed to just plain “chicken”?)

For the record, we’ve never given him cheap dog food. In fact, pound for pound, Houston’s dog food cost more than most of the food Gladice and I eat. (Ethan is the big winner here since he eats pureed fruits that come in 4 oz containers which range in price between $.77 to $1.17 a jar. Do the math and you’ll discover Ethan’s food cost us roughly $37.44 per gallon. If he can’t afford to go to college, it will simply be due to that fact that as a small child, we fed him.)

So anyways, even “good” dog food is processed crap and is nothing even close to the food my dog was designed to eat. Most dogs are fast, agile, and have a great sense of smell. Ever wonder why your dog even has the instincts to chase down a tennis ball that you throw?” The answer is because dog’s are carnivores. They were made to hunt. Feeding them dog food is like forcing a grizzly bear to eat fruit loops.

We call them “canines” for a reason. If they were supposed to be eating rice, flour, and other grains, we would call them “molars.”

So, now what?

Well, Gladice and I have recently been discussing the possibility of putting Houston on a ‘raw meat’ diet. Our discussions usually go like this:

Me: “We should discuss the possibility of putting Houston on a ‘raw meat’ diet.”

Gladice: “Gross.”

We communicate well.

I am wondering if anybody has any experience with this and whether or not you would recommend it. My first reactions to this idea was “Eating raw meat could transform our dog into a primal, vicious animal.” Then I remembered we own a poodle, not a Great White shark. In fact, if raw meat is indeed MORE nutritious than dog food, I would think it would be more likely to have the opposite effect. When was the last time you finished consuming a large steak and then thought to yourself, “Ya know what I’d really like to do right now…bite somebody.” ;)

The second thought I had was “This would be too expensive” but I’ve heard if you do it right, the food is actually cheaper and in the long run you come out way ahead as far as vet bills are concerned.

Anybody have an experience with this?

Blogging in Boston #5

Last night, we met up with our friends Brent and Sharla who are originally from my home state of Arkansas (I live in Dallas now), but moved to Boston several years ago.

They have a great little place, two of the cutest children in the world, and one more child on the way that could pop out at any moment (not exaggerating…ANY moment).

Though their place “technically” only has 2 bedrooms (in Texas we have sport utility vehicles that are similar in size), they have no fear of reproduction…I am assuming it’s because when you make kids that are as cute as theirs, you sort of owe it to society to keep making them.

It was wonderful catching up with Brent. We slept together in college.

Later on that night, we went out to dinner and they showed us all the improvements they’ve made to their back yard and…

What?

Oooooh, you want an explanation for that little “slept together” comment? Gotcha…

I met Brent in college when we went on the same mission trip and were paired up to share a bed in our hotel room. So we literally slept together--in the most plutonic sense of the word--but that was 12 years ago and we’ve been friends ever since.

So let that be a lesson to you kids…Sleeping together before marriage really does form bonds that last a lifetime! ;)

We stayed up talking entirely too late for married folks with kids (8:30). Just kidding. It was later than that, and it was so worth it. Definitely the highlights of the trip. We love you guys!

This morning afternoon when I woke up, I decide to walk around Boston. I had my map, but not my map reader (Gladice) so the map was basically useless to me.

Since I have a serious disability when it comes to reading maps, I used my typical exploration technique of leaving my hotel and walking down the street (…any street) until 1) I get tired of walking or 2) come upon a major freeway.

Though dangerous at times, it worked out well for me today. After about 10-15 minutes of walking, I found myself at Boston Commons (also known as “Central Park”).

Parks are a big deal in large cities. I always find it interesting that people from big cities arrogantly make fun of places like my home state of Arkansas…and then go on to make the biggest deal about the parts of their city that look the most like the state of Arkansas.

Someday someone is going to have to explain that to me. In the meantime, I’m going to continue NOT freaking out about trees.

On the diet front…today I figured out that my chocolate flavored Atkins shakes tastes REALLY good with Dunkin Donuts.

You know what would make these low carb shakes even better…if they put some sugar in it!

I wonder why nobody ever thought of that before??

Bloggin in Boston #4

I woke up this morning at 10:00. …for the first time in 7 months, my day did not begin with sticking stuff into…or wiping stuff off of…a baby’s orifice.

Instead I made a cup of Starbucks (in New England they call it “Dunkin Donuts”) and stuck it in an orifice of my own (…my mouth…why? Which one did you picture? )

Sleeping in was incredible. I swear the pillows at our hotel are laced with morphine.

The first productive thing I wanted to do today was workout…which is a testament to how much caffeine is in Starbucks coffee dedicated I am to getting healthy!

The Westin has one of the most amazing gyms I’ve seen in a hotel. The gym has free-weights, machine weights, and very attractive people working out…people who I assume are on the hotel’s payroll since no ACTUAL in-shape people HAVE TO workout on vacation. (I’ll be expecting my check from the Weston any day now. ;) )

I was so proud of myself for working out that I decided to overeat the rest of the day.

****(Warning: Food p0rn ahead!)****

We went to Legal Seafoods where we ate New England Clam 'Chowda' and Crab Cakes for lunch. While not “low carb”, this isn’t necessarily a cheat for reasons I’m about to (poorly) explain.

I have a plan, a strategy…nay, a PHILOSOPHY…about vacation diets.

You’ve heard the saying, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” Right? Well, my diet philosophy is similar, yet much more wordy. It goes like this:

“If you plan to fail, you can not fail…unless you fail to fail…in which case, you fail.”

If you meditate long enough on this total load of BS philosophy, you see I had NO CHOICE but to eat the Crab Cakes and Chowder.

O.K. So the truth is that I’ve never been to Boston and I’m not sure when I’ll be going back. Boston is known for it’s seafood, and I wasn’t about to miss out on that so I gave myself permission to eat certain seafood items that I can’t get at home.

It’s a controlled splurge, if you will. Crab Cakes and Clam Chowder—recklessly capitalized because they were THAT good (and because it's fun to mess with those of you who are anal and can't stand the fact that I capitalized these words three times incorrectly...love you, Gladice. ;) )—were on my list of things to do; therefore, no cheat.

“Not Guilty, Your Honor.”

The Boston cream pie we had for dessert…now THAT was definitely a cheat!

So sweat and creamy…with just the perfect amount of chocolate and cake. I’ve never had anything like it before. And it was so good, I don’t feel the least big bad about it.

“Guilty, Your Honor!”

Send me to food jail, your honor. I deserve it. It was a crime of passion!

1 year on low carb

One year ago today, I started my very last diet. I’ve had various ups and downs over the past year, but today I weigh over 52 pounds less than I did on this day 1 year ago today.

I still have my work cut out for me, but sometimes I get so wrapped up in where I’m trying to get to that I forget to enjoy how far I’ve come.

A year ago, this area of life was one of my biggest sources of frustration and hopelessness, and God has turned it into one of my biggest areas of excitement and anticipation. To God be the glory…because I know this change didn’t come from within me. God picked me up long after I had given up on myself in this area. I look forward to seeing what else is in store.

Onward!

Blogging in Boston #3 "The First Day"

We arrived in Boston around 3 pm and took a cab to the hotel. Even though the hotel was only about 3 inches away from the airport on the map, the cab ride still cost 33 dollars.

We unpacked and spent the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out which direction our window was facing. This was important because it determined which direction we should go to get to places on our map. After much discussion, we finally decided maps were stupid and it was time for dinner.

Dinner was incredible. We went to a Thai restaurant named “I Can’t Remember But It Doesn’t Really Matter Because I’m a Tourist and Will Probably Never Be Back Here Again.” (it takes them FOOOOREVER to greet people when they answer the phone. “Thank you for calling “I Can’t Remember But It Doesn’t Really Matter Because I’m a Tourist and Will Probably Never Be Back Here Again”, how can I help you today?”

The food was incredible, and I didn’t think I was big on Thai food…but now I would sell a kidney for one more bite of a meal like that I’m a fan! I had the crispy duck which was great and would have been low carb if that had been all I’d eaten…unfortunately, not so much. I’m ok though. I still have my Atkins shakes back at the hotel. (…though they will probably work better when I actually drink them.)

I’m upset that we’ve been in Boston for 8 hours and still haven’t seen Will Hunting yet. If you are not familiar, Will Hunting was that really smart guy from “Southie” who hung out with Ben Affleck and liked to use the F-word while working on really hard math problems. I was hoping he could help me understand my Sprint bill.

So let me know if you see him. He looks a little bit like Jason Borne…except Jason Borne isn’t real.

Blogging in Boston-part 2 "The flight"

There are 16 Starbucks in the DFW airport…that’s right! 16! That sounds like a number I would say as a joke, but it’s not. It’s obvious that the engineers that designed the place are NOT coffee drinkers because there are not nearly as many bathrooms.

I did my typical 2 part, pre-flight boarding routine upon entering the aircraft:

Part 1: As I walk through the first class section, I look for celebrities.

Part 2: As I walk through the coach section, I look for terrorists.

I began looking for celebrities on airlines after two near misses with celebrities. About 5 years ago, I sat directly across the isle from Justin Timberlake and didn’t realize it until AFTER he excited the aircraft. The flight attendant who was much too old to lose her cool…COMPLETELY lost her cool. In fact, the only reason I realized he was there at all (I was asleep on the flight) was when the stewardess grabbed his empty Mountain Dew bottle after he left and yelled “I’M GOING TO SELL THIS THING ON EBAY!!!”

It’s probably better that I didn’t know he was there. “Most of your music makes me want to stab myself in the ears with an ice pick, but can I have your autograph anyways?” is not a great conversation starter.

The second “airline celebrity close encounter” was on our honeymoon. Dave Barry was sitting in first class. I actually saw him, but was looking for my seat in the coach section and didn’t realize who he was until I was already past him. By then it was way too late to make a big scene…which I TOTALLY would have done. I’m a big Dave Barry fan so, in comparison, I probably would have made “Mountain Dew lady” look like Spock.

Since these two incidents, anytime we get on a flight I keep my eyes pealed for professional humor columnists and Britney Spears old boyfriends.

As for the second part of my pre-flight routine…well, I figure watching for terrorist is my duty as a concerned American.

My Personal Anti-terrorism Plan (codenamed: ‘PAP’) is extremely sophisticated, but I will explain it here in step-by-step format:

Step 1) Walk through cabin looking for people of Middle Eastern decent.

Step 2) Stare at them.

OK. So it’s not THAT sophisticated of a plan.

To be honest, I never actually get past step 1. My problem is, like many other concerned bigots Americans, I don’t know exactly what “middle-eastern decent” means so the only way I would recognize an actual terrorist is if he was wearing a black mask on his head and holding a bazooka in his hand while subtitles in Arabic scrolled as he spoke…like on the news.

Therefore, my screening technique typically boils down to looking for anyone with dark hair. As you can imagine, this casts a fairly wide net so it’s not surprising that people of non-arab decent are caught up in my “screening process.” I catch many Hispanics, Italians, and frequently my own wife…but I check ALL of them out VERY carefully…you can never be too careful.

On a different note, I’m proud of myself. I’m already 15 minutes into my vacation, and I haven’t blown my diet yet. I packed plenty of low carb Atkins shakes to help me stay on track.

That reminds me. I had a pleasant surprise when I sat down. I realized that I haven’t flown since losing over 50 pounds. Planes seats are bigger now!

I’ve never been in the “seat belt extension crowd” but that was just due to my incredible ability to “suck in my gut” when the occasion called for it. It was nice to actually have a little slack in the belt and to be able to travel without a legitimate fear that if I sneeze, I might rupture something.

Holey Moleys

Dermatologists are the only people in your life who you meet while you are completely nude…at least not without the added risk of possible jail time.

I noticed this yesterday when I went to get some suspicious looking moles checked out. I thought to myself, “OK. I’ve met people before while my clothes are on and I’ve been nude around people who I’ve previously met, but I’ve never…(let me think here just to be sure…)yeah. I’ve never actually MET someone WHILE I was nude.”

It was a weird experience. I found it difficult to make small talk (insert your own “naked/small talk” joke here).

But seriously, what are you supposed to talk about while your naked…the weather?

Doc: “Hot out today, huh?”

Me: “Yep……..good thing I’m naked.”

The thing about dermatologists is that they specialize in skin, and they want to see ALL of it! You would be surprised some of the places where you keep skin…I know I was. A month ago, I would have been horrified by an examination like this, but after my recent horrific visit to the urologist, my trip to the dermatologist was a walk in the park.

I ended up needing 6 biopsies (hence the title “Holey Moleys”…get it?) 3 on my back and three on my head. NONE of the biopsies I had done were moles that I could see and I didn’t even know about the three that were on my head. (The "suspicious moles" I mentioned earlier turned out to be nothing.) I’m glad I went.

Also, despite the speech I got from my dermatologist, I think the whole “sun causes skin cancer” thing maybe a little over-rated. 3 of the moles were on my back and three were on my head…neither are places that get a lot of sun. In fact, I’ve gone for years without taking my shirt off outside (fat people have a tendency to do this)…and as long as I can remember, I’ve always had hair. Conversely, none of the biopsies were done on my legs, arms, face, or neck despite the fact that they are in the sun all year round. To me, it seems like the places that are NOT in the sun regularly are more of a risk than the places that ARE in the sun.